Here Comes The Bride! And the Groom, Parents, Grandparents, Stepparents, Step grandparents, Stepchildren, et al
Photo by Kelly Kennedy
As the story goes there was a Bride named Emily. She was very anxious about her wedding, not because of her relationship with the groom. Rather, Emily was worried about her mother’s reaction to her step mom. Sure enough, the “wicked” step mom bought an identical dress to the one Mom had purchased as the Mother of the Bride. Much to Emily’s surprise, her mother said: “Don’t worry. She can wear the dress to the wedding. I’ll select another!” Out of relief and appreciation, Emily offered to return the disputed dress to the store. Her Mom replied: “Oh that won’t be necessary sweetheart. I’ll be wearing it to the rehearsal dinner.”
This story may seem extreme. Unfortunately, it is not so unusual. Ask any Family Law Judge or attorney; and they can match or best this story with many of their own. It seems that the movie “War of the Roses” starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas was not so fictional after all. Then there are the second and third marriages taking place in which the bride and groom assume new parenting duties. Unlike the Brady Bunch, many blended families are ill-equipped to deal with these new roles. Resentment over their parents’ divorce may cause children to sabotage the new marriage. Sometimes the parents are less mature than the children, using them as pawns in an evil game of “divorce chess”.
Today, at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs all across the country, it is the norm to have anywhere from six to eight grandparents involved as opposed to the traditional two to four seen years ago. Family trees have many more branches these days! Amidst these changing times there are families who manage to deal with relationship issues in a tasteful and loving manner. Often stepchildren and stepparents are a welcome addition to the family and an integral part of family celebrations. How do they manage this feat? Family therapists, Judges and attorneys all agree that some simple rules can help blended families treat “The Wedding” as a celebration as opposed to a nightmare. These include:
Adult children of newlyweds should be thankful that their parents have found love again and will have a partner to look out for them. Not only will your parent be happier, you will have another caregiver partner if the need arises.
Brides and grooms should have realistic expectations. If “The War of the Roses” mentality exists, don’t try to reach group consensus when it comes to wedding planning. Take charge of the process or use a wedding planner.
Everyone should remember that the wedding is the Bride and Groom’s day – their chance to be in the spotlight. Don’t upstage them with public displays or rude behavior.
In a divorce situation don’t ever denigrate your ex in front of the children. In doing so you insult them as well. Remember that they share a gene pool with that spouse.
Step-parents should defer to biological parents on this day. Wear what the bride wants and bite your tongue if necessary.
This is also the day for parents of the bride and groom. The Honorable Wendy Potts, Chief Judge of the Oakland County Circuit Court, recommends that you include your children in the ceremony. Make them part of the experience; and don’t treat them as an afterthought. She states: “The children are not just passengers for the ride. They are the ride!” Judge Potts ciated a wedding which was a second marriage for both the bride and groom. They each came into the marriage with two children. After their wedding ceremony, the new family of six walked to a nearby lake and enjoyed some private time together to celebrate becoming a family. On many occasions children of wedding couples are a part of the ceremony and symbolically unite as a family. Finally, as parents, keep in mind that you love your child more than you dislike your ex – no matter how difficult they may have been. If everyone follows these tips and truly commits to family relationships, life will be easier for all concerned. And when the strains of “Here Comes the Bride” are heard, there will be a smile on everyone’s face.